How to Communicate with Your Teenager

 The Terrible Twos and puberty have many similarities. Our kids learn fun new things during both stages, but they also push the boundaries of acceptable behavior (thus pushing their parents' buttons) and throw tantrums. Both peer groups had the same primary developmental task: the child had to learn to separate from their parents and begin to develop their own sense of autonomy. Naturally, they sometimes act as if they were the center of the universe. It’s their movie, and you are the background extra at best, and the antagonist at worst.

It makes parenting harder, especially when teens start making choices about things that have real consequences, like school, friends, and driving, not to mention drug use and when and how to engage in sexual activity. Teens are more likely than adults to make rash decisions and take unnecessary risks because they haven't fully developed their emotional self-control.

This shows that maintaining healthy, trusting relationships between parents and children during adolescence is more important than ever. Communication is central to this goal, but keeping in touch isn't always easy. Teenagers aren't always the nicest when it comes to expressing their annoyance at what they perceive as parental interference. Although they share everything with their friends and stay in constant contact with them via text messages and social networks, they may be silent when their mother or father asks them how their day is going.

For example, a request that a parent deems reasonable – like dressing modestly - can be considered a serious offense by a daughter. If you're a parent and this is something you've been through, take a moment to calm down and remember that your child is going through a scary adolescence. Although this phase passes, your role as a parent remains crucial, the only difference may be a slight change in your responsibilities. The following suggestions will help you explore uncharted territory:

1.Listen first. If you want to know what's going on in their life, asking your child questions directly may not be as effective as stepping back and simply listening to what they have to say. Read between the lines of their statements and any shifts in their tone or attitude.

Children are more likely to be honest with their parents if they don't have to say anything under duress. Remember that even an informal commentary on the day's events is how they connect with you, and you're more likely to hear more of the conversation if you show interest in what they have to say while avoiding disturbing them.

2. Respect and acknowledge their feelings. As parents, we often have a natural tendency to want to get our children out of trouble or minimize their difficulties.

But after, say, going through a breakup, saying things like "They were not for you anyway" seems dismissive. Instead of saying, "Wow, that sounds awful," you can tell your kids that you understand and empathize with them. Share a similar event that may have occurred to you at that age, but always shift the focus back to them.

3. Project an aura of confidence. Above all, parents of teenagers want them to feel valued.

Find ways to communicate to your teen that you believe in them. By asking for their help, you show your trust in them. Giving them privileges without their asking shows that you trust their abilities. If you let your child know that you believe in them and expect them to succeed, their confidence will grow and they'll be more open to challenges. Do not give away too much responsibility too soon, but maintain a well-balanced progression.

4. Avoid assertiveness. You can always dictate guidelines, but you must be prepared to justify them. While it's normal for teens to push boundaries, the rules must make sense to them. For example, they can offer a plausible explanation for why they should be able to throw a house party (they’re old enough, they’re responsible etc.). Your rebuttal should be that despite their willingness to assume responsibility, they cannot predict the actions of their guests, which might result in property damage or theft. If they cannot cover such costs in the event of a disaster, then they must abide by your rule.

The same applies to life choices. Do not simply shut down their aspirations to pursue unconventional careers like the arts or sport. Instead, give them leeway in the form of a time window to provide a proof of concept. If they can prove that their desired career will be profitable or practical, then they can have your blessing.

5. Give compliments.

Parents tend to praise children more when they're young, but praise is just as important to a child's self-esteem when they're teenagers. Although teenagers may seem cool and don't care what their parents think of them, the truth is that they still want their parents' approval. It can also be beneficial for both partners to look for opportunities to be optimistic and supportive when the relationship is under strain.

6. Maintain emotional control.

It's easy to get angry when your child is rude, but try to resist the urge to reciprocate with rudeness. Remember that you are an adult and he cannot control his emotions or think clearly when he is excited. Look at this. Count to 10 or take long breaths and deep exhales before responding. If you're both too excited to talk, use the stop button and wait until you've had time to collect your thoughts.

7. Spend time with them while doing things.

During these years, it would be helpful if you could spend time doing things you both enjoy, like watching a movie, taking a walk, or cooking, not to mention anything particularly personal. It is important to remember that talking is not the only way to communicate. Children need to know that they can be close to you and have a good experience without fear that you will question them or correct something about them.

They are able to do this without feeling uncomfortable.

8. Eat together often.

Another great way to stay close as a family is to take the time to sit down and enjoy a meal together. Each member of the family has the opportunity to get to know each other over dinner and have a light conversation about politics, sports or television.

Children who can naturally talk to their parents about everyday issues are more likely to open up when faced with more difficult topics. There is only one limit: no mobile devices.

9. Be observant.

While it's normal for children to go through some changes as they get older, it's important to pay attention if you notice changes in their mood, behavior, energy level, or appetite.

Also take notice if they no longer enjoy activities that used to make them happy or if you notice that they avoid social situations. It is important to discuss with your teen any changes you notice in their ability to carry out normal daily activities and to provide non-judgmental support. They may need your help, which may indicate that they need to talk to a mental health professional.